Covering Up for Your Ex
One of my very best single mom girlfriends, Sarah, has an ex who is very inconsistent. He was unreliable when they were married and now that they’re divorced he hasn’t changed. He’s always late picking up the kids and too many times he’s canceled and left her two boys sitting by the window waiting. I’ve heard Sarah make excuses for their dad’s behavior. She says it’s to protect the boys, but I fear she’s really trying to make herself feel better.
BOTTOM LINE
It’s important not to cover up for your ex. I believe that if you’re honest with your child you will serve them better than making excuses. Who wants to see their child hurt, but if you lie on behalf of your ex you are sending the wrong message? Sarah is letting her kids down by making them think there is a fantasy person out there who is going to come through. Kids blame themselves when their dad doesn’t show up. In the end, us single moms will be resented for not being “real”.
HOW TO HANDLE IT
Prepare your kids for the possibility of disappointment by taking control of the time planned. Since my son Sam and I are a single adoptive family there’s never been a father in the parenting experience. But his uncle has been an important man in my son’s life, and he too has disappointed Sam by not showing up. I’ve handled it by telling Sam that his uncle is planning to come by but if he doesn’t I have a terrific back up plan.
Help your kids by telling them that when their dad says he promises, what he really means is, he’ll do his best.
Even though your ex is a jerk. Don’t go to the other extreme and say so to your kid. Be diplomatic and sensitive when helping them with their disappointment and pain.
Be prepared for backlash. When Sam has been let down by someone he sometimes takes it out on me. I try to help him see that he’s frustrated and talk it out instead of acting it out.
Try to point out some positive things about your ex even though he doesn’t act the way he should all the time. State the information without judgment and remember this is still your child’s dad and there is a reflection of their self-image in this person.