Introducing “Him” to “Them”
My single mom girlfriend Toni has been dating David for almost five months and so far her daughter hasn’t even met him. She’s crazy about him but isn’t sure it’s going to last. She confessed to me that she might be avoiding taking to the next step by keeping David out of her “real” life and she doesn’t want to upset her daughter.
THE BOTTOM LINE
Since Toni has kept her romantic life out of her daughter’s sight I think it would be best if she started to introduce David slowly. I suggest an initial casual meeting where he’s simply introduced as a friend. In order to find out if this is a true relationship it has to be tested by Toni’s daughter. Can David handle sharing Toni? Does he even like kids? When I was starting a serious relationship I progressed slowly and this helped Sam get to know my steady. Eventually Sam was very comfortable with us holding hands and being affectionate. Sometimes Sam wanted us all to hold hands. My boyfriend was aware that Sam needed to feel part of it and had no problem with this reaction.
WHAT’S IN STORE
Plan family events so your new boyfriend and can spend time outside your home in neutral territory. Go to the park, the zoo, a movie, ice skating, etc. . Slowly bring your new relationship home on a regular basis.
Be prepared for your kids not to like your boyfriend and be patient. Don’t expect too much from your child.
If your child is especially rude to your boyfriend, you need make it clear that bad behavior is unacceptable. You should talk to them about respecting your friends and reassure them that you love them unconditionally.
Be cautious if your boyfriend starts becoming an instant dad to your child. Be careful that you’re not encouraging this either, because you have a fantasy about this relationship. And most of all watch out for your child’s desire to fix his family life by having a dad.
Sometimes children of divorce feel a loyalty toward their dad or they are still holding out for their parents to get back together. . I dated a recently divorced single dad who had two daughters. My son liked my boyfriend, Jim, a lot, but his girls had a tough time accepting me. They weren’t ready for their dad to have a girlfriend. We decided to make plans on our own when we wanted to be more affectionate and when we were with our kids we were more casual. We made our family dates about our kids. This helped the situation.