It’s Your Party and your Ex Wants to Party Too
My single girlfriend Marie has been planning a party for her daughter, Kimberly’s fourth birthday for a last two months. Her ex-husband just started to put together a party as well and has invited all the same friends to a separate celebration. Marie is furious that he is causing so much confusion and conflict. She truly believes that her is doing this to get to her.
BOTTOM LINE
What’s new about the ex making things difficult? Marie and her ex have been unsettled over many issues since their divorce. Why should things be different when it comes to Kimberly’s birthday pary if the relationship hasn’t been smoothed out in other areas? For divorced single moms it’s important to remember that your ex may have been a terrible partner, but he might be a good dad. It’s time for a truce. If you’re embattled with an ex call for a moratorium during holidays, birthdays and other significant events in your child’s life. Remember one day it could be your child’s wedding. How will you and he behave?
SOLUTIONS
Instead of two birthday parties try to have one together. If that wont work why not suggest to you ex that he might consider another form of festivity. Perhaps an excursion, a special sleep-over, or an event with family and a few select friends. If your ex-spouse insists on having the party, maybe you can be the one that decides to create another way to make it the best birthday ever. Let your child help you with this decision.
If there are two parties planned let friends who have been invited to both know that it won’t be necessary for them to bring separate presents to both events. They also don’t have to go to both parties.
Don’t do what another one of my single girlfriends did at their son’s party, when her ex showed up. She actually had one of her pals go around and tell everyone not to speak to him. It was an awful thing to do and she lost a lot of respect in my opinion. If she didn’t want him there she shouldn’t have invited him. Needless to say her son was thrilled his dad showed up.
Don’t discuss the problems you’re having about the party with your child. If you ask a child to deal with a parental dispute he/she will think he/she is the cause of the conflict.
Your child might use this as a time to fantasize the possibility that you and your ex will get together. This is not unlike the way children of divorce feel at holidays too. Remind your child as always both parents’ love them and that no matter how his or her birthday will be celebrated it will be the best and most joyous day.
Remember you two aren’t together anymore, but you will always be your child’s mom and dad. Use these occasions to practice being mature, responsible adults and keep your child’s best interest at heart. You communicate and compromise for his sake.