Step-Parent and Discipline

My girlfriend Patty recently remarried after being single for the last five years. Her son Jesse, 10, has an on-going relationship with his father, who is also remarried. Her new husband, Ron, treats Jesse as his own, but Patty freaks out when he disciplines Jesse. She is in terrible conflict about who sets the rules for Jesse.

BOTTOM LINE

I don’t like it when someone else corrects my son’s behavior. It pushes my buttons big-time. Even a simple reprimand makes me feel like defending him. If you’re going to ask your new mate to participate in raising your child you need to have a clear understanding about what the rules are. In Patty’s case she wants her new husband to feel that he is really part of the family in every way. Ron needs to feel that he can defend himself when Jesse misbehaves. Patty can’t expect him to participate in raising her son if she’s not going to trust him to enter the magic and often challenging circle of parenthood.

SETTING THE RULES

  • Patty’s new husband and her son’s biological father and his mate need to mutually agree on behavior goals that you want to set for Jesse. An understanding needs to be reached about what punishments are acceptable when he acts up.

  • Set boundaries for your household. Make sure you, your spouse and your kids all agree on the house-rules.

  • Your child has to see you and your spouse as united. Don’t disagree in front of your child.

  • Let your child voice his/her feelings about the new arrangement. He/She might resent the new rules and the new parent. Your child’s needs come first. Make sure you put your child first and then your spouse, who as an adult, should understand.

  • Perhaps you were much too lenient as a single parent and realize you need to pull in the reigns a bit to accommodate the new member of your family.

  • Your new husband may not have any experience with children. Consider parenting classes or family therapy for both you and your husband.

  • Have patience with this new family arrangement. By remaining calm and assured that it will work out – it will work out.

  • If you can’t reach common ground with your husband, then keep the child rearing to yourself and regard your spouse not as your child’s parent, but as his respected friend.