THE SINGLE MOMS GUIDE
And the father would be…
It’s amazing how curious total strangers can be about you being a single mom.
They will cross boundaries with single moms that they wouldn’t dare with married moms. Do women who are married get asked who the father is or how the baby was conceived?
THE BOTTOM LINE
The single mom, especially at family functions, is sure to have someone invade her space with these questions. I found this to be most invasive when my son, Sam began pre-school. Parents would ask about Sam’s father as if they had a right to know and some even offered me their opinions. One mom actually asked my 3 year old about his father. I was outraged, but politely told her I felt it was none of her business. What’s important is that you make your child aware that there are all kinds of families and not every family has a father living with them. Since we are an adoptive single family I’ve been open and sensitive with my son, Sam about his story. That doesn’t mean I choose to tell anyone I’ve just met. I tell people what I want when I want to about my family and do it when I feel comfortable. I don’t keep it a secret, but I also want the same sense of privacy that is offered to traditional families. It’s necessary to sensitize schools, church groups, the PTA, camps and community groups that various expressions of family exist in this world. There are families like mine as well as my girlfriends who are single parents through divorce, choice or widowhood. If organizations and schools are reluctant to accept this diversity, it’s our job to become advocates for our children. Even though 40% of all kids don’t live with both of their parents anymore, vestiges of the old “Father Knows Best” ideal persist. The father/son book club and father/daughter “Indian Princesses” group are planned bonding experiences that are found even at the most enlightened schools We should try to make our children feel entitled and not left out. There are times when our best efforts aren’t enough and we need to adjust the event or send in a close male friend or relative to step in for an absent dad. I have a few wonderful men friends, who I call in for such occasions. They have a special relationship with Sam which helps him feel connected
COMEBACKS AND THEN SOME
If you’re a single mother by choice try answering the question of fatherhood is, by saying, “David Crosby”.
Don’t be shy enlisting friends and family to help you with a male role model for your child. These extended family members are wonderful allies in our parenting efforts.
When it comes to Father’s Day let your child’s teacher know that you’d like there to be a conversation about diverse types of families and have your child make a card for the special person in his/her life that he/she wants to honor. Maybe an uncle, a grandfather, a “big brother”, or Mr. Rogers.
It is also okay to graciously decline the invitation entirely and create our own special day.
Rename Father’s Day to Parents Day.